Signs You've Been Online Too Long

When filling out your driver's license application, you give your IP address.

You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"

You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications."

At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server."

You find it easier to dial-up the National Weather Service Weather/your_town/now.html than to simply look out the window.

You find yourself engaged to someone you've never actually met; except through e-mail.

Your desk collapses under the weight of your computer peripherals.

You can access the Net - via your portable and cellular phone.

You put your e-mail address in the upper left-hand corner of envelopes.

Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.

You're amazed to find out Spam is a food.

You ask a friend, "What's that big shiny thing?" He says, "It's the sun."

You think Webster's Dictionary is a directory of WEB sites.

When using your phone you forget that you don't _have_ to use your keyboard.

Your boss asks you to "go fer" coffee and you come up with 235 FTP sites.

You log-off your system because it's time to go to work.

While reading a magazine, you look for the Zoom icon for a better look at a photograph.

Someone tells you to remember something, and you look for File/Save command.

You maintain more than 6 e-mail addresses.

You use more than 20 passwords.

You set up your own Web page.

You set up a Web page for each of your kids... and your pets.

You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 1.1 or higher."

You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.

You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.

You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.

You laugh at people with 2400-baud modems.

You start using smileys in your snail mail.

The last girl you picked up was a JPEG.

You actually wore a blue ribbon to protest the Communications Decency Act.

You kiss your girlfriend's home page.

Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.

You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.

You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.

You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular modem and a laptop.

All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3.

And even your night dreams are in HTML.

You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com

You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au

Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.

You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.

You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.

Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

All of your friends have an @ in their names.

When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.

You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway through Lycos.

You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.

You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no idea where your children are.

You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

You refer to your age as 3.x.

You have comandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.

Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

Even though you died last week, you've managed to retain OPS on your favorite IRC channel.

You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.

You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms.

You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html

You actually try that 123.elm.street address.

You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.

Your friends no longer send you e-mail...they just log on to your IRC channel.

You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines useless.

You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP...because you never log off.

You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

You forget what year it is.

You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain.

You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you think it sounds like the ocean wind...the perfect soundtrack for "surfing the net".

You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."

You turn on your computer and turn off your wife.

Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

Your wife calls you to dinner by posting to alt.food.

The choice between paying Compuserve bill and paying for kids education is easy -- if a little painful for your kids.

Your big pickup line is, "Haven't we met on alt.top5.addict?"

Batteries in the TV remote now last for months.

You hire a housekeeper for your home page.

The new mail alarm on your palmtop annoys other churchgoers.

Your mouse-clicking forearm rivals Popeye's.

You unsuccessfully try to download a pizza from www.dominos.com.

You rig your toilet to alert you if you receive any new mail while you're "offline."

You can write a list like this.

You can relate to a list like this.